black, unarmed, and dangerous

I know you’ve heard the story of Mike Brown, the teenager who was shot by a police officer in Ferguson, MO. He was unarmed. So were Eric Garner, Oscar Grant, Wendell Allen, and others, along with Renisha McBride, Rekia Boyd, Shantel Davis, and others. All of these names are heavy with the weight of the events surrounding their last moments on this earth. These names resonate deeply with me and leave with me a paralyzing sadness, fear, and rage. Not necessarily because of police brutality or because of militant citizens “standing their ground”, but because of my black skin. When I, my brothers, and my sisters go out into the world, we are dangerous. It doesn’t matter if we wear hoodies or business suits. It doesn’t matter if we speak proper English or slang. It doesn’t matter if we are drunk or sober. It doesn’t matter if we’ve committed a crime or prevented one. We still have black skin, and we are dangerous.

I know that some will disagree. Some will not see value in my words. Some will not be able to relate to this discussion because they have not had experiences with anti-black racism and they never will. They will never know the feeling of being hyper-visible beneath the gaze of law enforcement, store clerks, security guards, or home owners in nice white neighborhoods, and know undeniably that it is because of the color of your skin. They will never know what it is like to be hated and feared for simply existing in your black body in a public space. See, the public space is a white space. We invade whiteness and we need to be stopped. Our invasion of the white space is an assault on whiteness; it violates the concept of what whiteness is and the belief that no one else should have access to it, especially not the black body.

The black body is a hyper-sexual beast. Black men defile and offend pure white women. Emmett Till learned his lesson at fourteen. Black female slaves were sexual savages. They stole their faithful white owners away from their white mistresses, seducing their rapists with their exotic black sexuality. Patsey faced the consequences for enticing Edwin Epps away from his wife.

The black body is a hyper-aggressive thug. Richard Sherman exemplifies the thuggish demeanor when he dominates on the field and when he declares his greatness in interviews. It’s no question that Trayvon Martin was a thug who deserved to get shot. The world is better without him. Even President Obama is a thug and a threat to U.S. freedoms. A black man does not belong in the White House.

The black body is predatory. Lock your doors if you ever find yourself in a black neighborhood, or, better yet, download a helpful navigation app so that you never find yourself in a poor black neighborhood to begin with. Walk on the other side of the street if you see one of us coming towards you. Scoot to the back corner of the elevator so that you can keep your eye on us. Clutch your purse tight so we don’t steal it.

The black body is a thief and liar. It invades and pilfers whiteness. Robert Brown and Trayon Christian were both arrested in expensive stores where they did not belong, purchasing items that they were not supposed to have. Dishonest and dangerous black men cannot afford designer belts or designer sunglasses. His only recourse is to steal them. Receipt in hand is not enough to convince the police that he is not stealing merchandise. He is not a credible source to relay information about his own life. He cannot be trusted.

The black body is criminal. It needs to be punished, expelled, and incarcerated at much higher rates than others in order to protect the nation state. Black children are sources of conflict and tension in the classroom when performing the same actions as other students, who are creative and imaginative. They take their rightful places in detention centers while their classmates remain in school to complete their education. Capitalism thrives on black non-violent offenders disproportionately filling the cells of privately owned prisons. They used to sell black bodies. Now, they cell black bodies. They fill the cells to fill their pockets.

The black body is rebellious. Black slaves revolted against their benevolent masters. Nat Turner revolted. Malcolm X revolted. There is a chance that we will all revolt against our benevolent nation state. We must be contained. Peaceful protests must be stopped with dogs, tear gas, and bullets. We are a threat and we must be contained.

Black bodies are dangerous because they are black bodies. This, unfortunately, is how many people view the world. And so, in the wake of the recent shootings of Ezell Ford, Armand Bennett, John Crawford, and Mike Brown, all too familiar stories, I am saddened, I am fearful, and I am enraged. To many, my black skin is a weapon. It is dangerous. They will say that they feared for their lives and they will shoot me down because of it.

i lost my religion

on sunday evening, i took a long drive with my mother, who is an avid back seat driver and a compulsive talker. it was nearly three hours of her going over what she plans to do with all of her flowers and trees this fall, complaining that people charge too much for watermelon in the stores, bragging about some pants that she had found on sale, begging me to pull the car over so that she could take pictures of the moon, and criticizing my driving technique. all the while, i listened, only responding with simple yeses, nos, and okays, and humming along with my new Sam Smith, Adele, and John Legend mix in between (possibly the greatest idea that i have ever had. genius, really). this is all pretty standard stuff with my mother and i. she does most of the talking. i do most of the listening. we don't really have conversations, but, in a bizarre twist of events, we actually had a conversation this sunday evening when she began interrogating me about my religious (dis)beliefs.

it all started when she commented on how great the service was that morning when she attended my sister's church. i said, "okay", and she went on and on about the pastors' wedding anniversary and the celebration that the congregation had thrown, but then she asked me why i didn't go to church with my sister on sunday mornings. i replied simply, "because i don't want to. church makes me uncomfortable." my mother, as she often does, heard something completely different from what i had actually said. she gasped and exclaimed, "the word of God makes you uncomfortable?!", clearly offended by what she thought she had heard. i promptly explained that this is not what i had said. church makes me uncomfortable.

i am an INTJ personality. i am introverted and i am shy, though no one ever believes me when i say this. well, it doesn't matter whether or not other people believe it. the fact still remains that i am a quiet and reserved person who prefers to be alone and will always, always, always choose isolation to social interaction. being around other people actually physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually drains me. i absolutely need time with myself in order to recharge in between the socializing that is necessary for my life: work, school, friends, and family. i need time with myself for my mental health, spiritual peace, and emotional balance. i need time with myself to develop and maintain a positive relationship with my body. i need time with myself to feed my intellectual drive to absorb all of the knowledge that is available to me. this does not mean that i do not love and enjoy the people that are in my life. i need time with them, too. i need my coworkers, classmates, and professors. we laugh together and we learn together. my family and friends give me support and i support them as well. we all keep each other motivated and i appreciate it so much, because i know that my life would not be nearly as fun or interesting without them.

the thing about church is, it feels especially taxing to me. it feels like a chore. growing up, my mother made us go to church, often several times a week, and it became something that i had to do, rather than something that i wanted to do. even when i grew into a woman and went off to college, i continued to go. not because i wanted to do, but because i felt like i had to. i felt obligated, like someone was taking attendance. and the sad fact was that some people actually were taking attendance. if i missed a service or two because i was traveling, or if i skipped an evening bible study because i had to prepare for a test or write a paper, i got the side eye from some and the inquisition from others. people asked me if i was "backsliding" and if i needed to pray about it. when i didn't budge from my seat during the alter call (every. single. sunday), some people would stare at me as if i was out of place. like they just knew that my soul had been set ablaze. i met some of the same people 5+ times and they could never seem to remember my name or the fact that we had already been introduced on several occasions, despite the fact that i knew their name and we were connected on social media. and throughout all of this, i had to fake smile and hug strangers. and when i say that i "had" to do it, i mean that if i didn't fake smile and hug strangers, then people would constantly ask me what was wrong with me and offer to pray over my resting b*tch face. i would leave a place of worship that was supposed to bring me joy feeling anxiety-ridden, and i would have to trek back to my unairconditioned dorm room to spend hours decompressing in order to mentally prepare for my school/work week, and then i would return the next sunday for another unhealthy dose of anxiety and discomfort. i endured this for almost three years before i decided that i just couldn't take it anymore, and once i stopped going, i felt free.

in case you don't know anything about introverted and shy individuals, let me tell you, everything that i describe in the above paragraph is complete and utter torture for me. especially fake smiling and hugging strangers. i shouldn't have to change my facial expression for you, and i dislike it when people invade my personal space. i simply don't like being touched and i honestly don't like being looked at sometimes. all of this is what makes the introverted me uncomfortable, but what makes the feminist me uncomfortable is the hypocrisy, immorality, sexism/misogyny, homophobia, and general intolerance that seems to be present in Christianity and churches. in anticipation of the "not all Christians" and "not all churches" arguments, i will go ahead and say, yes, i know. not all Christians and churches fit this description (and, yes, i tried several churches). i don't doubt that they exist. in fact, i sincerely hope that they exist.

see, the feminist me can't abide those who interpret the bible in strategic ways in order to cater to their personal beliefs and desires. i can't abide Christians insisting that Jesus of Nazareth was a white American or European man, denying his true racial identity to reinforce the value of whiteness. i can't support an institution that actively teaches that infringing upon the basic rights of others is a moral duty. i'm fed up with those who call up "prayer warriors" to combat homosexuality because they think that what other people do with their bodies in their private lives is icky, but stay silent on the atrocities and violences that plague our world, leaving millions of people starving, abused, homeless, imprisoned, enslaved, institutionalized, exploited and/or dead. you picket at funerals and abortion clinics, but are speaking out against police brutality, domestic abuse, rape being used as a tool of control, systemic oppressions, chronic poverty, child marriages/slavery, or human trafficking? 

i can't sit through services where the church leaders scream hateful, judgmental "sermons" at their congregation. i won't embrace a religion that tells me that i am not as important as a male bodied person. i won't give my money to mega churches with pastors who insist that if the working church members simply give more tithes and offering then they can be rich, too, despite the fact that their bible says that it is highly unlikely that a rich man will ever enter the gates of heaven (Mark 10:25, Matthew 19:24). if you ask for more and more money every sunday, but you drive a Mercedes and half of your congregation can barely afford gas and groceries, that's a problem. if you cite Leviticus as the basis for your homophobic argument against marriage equality, but you ignore the verses that condemn some of the things that you do on a regular basis - trimming your beard (19:27), eating shellfish (11:10), and mistreating foreigners/immigrants (19:33-34), etc. - that's a problem. if you tell the women in your church that they can't have leadership positions or speak publicly or wear pants simply because they are women, that's a problem. stop teaching girls and women that displaying power, control, and agency is only for men and boys. stop teaching them that their value as a person is directly tied to their sexual purity. stop telling me that my hunger for knowledge outside of Christianity is sinful. above all, stop demonizing other religions just because you don't believe in them or recognize their value. especially if you've never actually read any of their texts or even bothered to learn about what they truly believe in.

my mother asked me several questions: am i an Atheist, do i believe in Jesus or God, do i read the bible? i told her that i don't read the bible as a literal story, but rather as a cultural and historical text from which we can learn moral lessons. i acknowledge that the bible was written over the course of 1500 years and has over 40 authors, and that our standard bible also does not include all of its original material. i recognize that it has inconsistencies, because most of it is based on eye witness accounts and were written several years after the events are said to have happened. example: there are, in fact, two sets of Ten Commandments. i keep all of these things in mind when reading the bible, especially because there are many different interpretations of the bible and everyone thinks that their interpretation is the right one. also, i explained to her that Atheism is not the antithesis of Christianity, because there are many religions and they do not exist in binaries, but what confused her the most, and perhaps even caused a little cognitive dissonance, were my answers about Jesus and God.

here's the thing: i love Jesus. i'm a huge fan. i wish that there were more people like him. some people tend to forget (or overlook) that he was political, provocative, progressive, and a homeless nomad. the man was an activist. he promoted love above all things, especially loving those who were cast out by society; the poor, the sick, the marginalized. all of these things are hallmarks of feminism, and as a self-identified feminist, i find that i am able to identify with Jesus more and more through feminism and feminist activism.  his legacy is one that should be upheld, especially among those of us who take up the painstaking work of advocating for social justice. Jesus’ message, calling us to use love as the weapon to combat insidious forces and violence in the world, is the most significant part of the bible to me, and i think that it is a message which often gets overlooked and misinterpreted to serve certain interests, political and otherwise. he aspired to a new world, using activism that went beyond words by actively seeking out and embracing the marginalized (as well as the oppressors), showing them unconditional love. in his time, he was unconventional; a man of revolutionary ideas and hungry for change. he led a rebellion to overturn the old order and give visibility and agency to the poor citizens. i find that there have been countless moments in my life when others have attempted to silence me for my ideas and beliefs which some might consider radical, the most fundamental of which is that all bodies and identities have the right to exist free from oppression, abuse, and exploitation. love was Jesus’ only weapon (except for that one time he went freaking berserk and flipped over all the tables in that temple, Matthew 21:12), and it is also mine. Jesus didn't teach Christianity. Jesus taught love.

as for God? well, as i reiterated to my mother several times, i am not saying that God does not exist. i have no authority to say that. however, as a critical thinker, my thought process about God differs from the way that i was taught to think about God in church. maybe our human concept of God is wrong. maybe God doesn't resemble the image that we have created in our imaginations. maybe God is a genderless being, or maybe not a being at all. maybe God is an entity or force which manifests itself in the beauty that we see all around us and the beauty inside of us. maybe God is a presence so immense and unfathomable; an idea so intricate that we cannot even begin to comprehend it's enormity or significance. maybe God and the universe are one in the same, and we are indeed made in its image. we see ourselves in the way that our brain cells resemble the cosmic web, and in the way that the death of a star resembles the birth of a cell, and in the way that some nebulae (star nurseries) amazingly resemble the human eye. 

for me, God is in the stars. we are made up of star dust, after all. we even share DNA with many other species on our pale blue dot. we are all literally connected in this wonderful way. pondering on this simple, but poignant truth ignites in me a deeper and more moving spiritual experience than i have ever had inside of a church. it's an experience which drives me to activism and social justice. it strengthens my commitment to feminism and feminist work. and it is an experience which i will not abandon in order to appease the people around me, even those whom i deeply love.

my mother, and many others, take issue with the fact that i won't claim Christianity. people are actually hurt and offended by this; by the fact that i won't embrace the label. the truth is that there are aspects about Christianity which i embrace. there are also tenets from Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and others with which i identify. all of these teach lessons in compassion, integrity, generosity, understanding, peace, simplicity, connectivity, and many other positive doctrines by which i live my happy life. 

my position is that i shouldn't have to choose just one. i shouldn't have to put a label on my spirituality in order to make people around me feel better. if you are uncomfortable with my spiritual ambiguity, then i invite you to examine why that is. why are you so invested in the titles that i may or may not place on myself? what it comes down to is this: our society is obsessed with categorization, and when you don't know which category to place me in, it bothers you. maybe it even scares you. regardless, it is an issue that you have to work out with yourself, not an issue that i have to resolve for you.

"black girl booty": supply and demand

here, you'll find an open letter penned to Nicki Minaj by Chuck Creekmur, owner of AllHipHop.com. in the letter, he expresses his concern for the influence that Nicki's "Anaconda" album art might have on his daughter. He dictates his fatherly concerns by calling Nicki's image "ratchet sh*t" and saying that he wasn't "shocked" by her album art, but, rather, "disappointed" in the image of her "booty in a thong."

he then goes on to say: "As a man, I can appreciate the virtues of your perfect posterior. The dad guy is not a happy camper, particularly now that his lil' girl is transitioning into a young lady. . . I'm trying to raise a young girl that will eventually grow into someone greater than the both of us. I know that this requires great parenting, great education, great luck and an assortment of great influences . . . As she gets older, it will be harder for me to limit her exposure to you, especially if you continue to do headline-grabbing moves like the 'Anaconda' cover. I don't want to EVER see her posted up one day emulating you . . . Believe it or not, I care. I think you are dope. You've bodied some of my favorite artists on songs like "Monster." Yet the possibility of you transcending this gnaws at me, because I know you don't have to succumb to bottom feeding . . . I [removed a previous photo from the website as requested] based on what I think is a glimpse of what you really desire, which is to be a more positive role model of some sort for young girls who are under siege out in these streets. Now, you take this squatting position on the cover of a song called “Anaconda,” which I am sure the radio will play until its played out. I’ll be on Spotify though and so will my daughter when she’s with me . . . P.S. You think you could follow me on Twitter again?"

well, this is my response to him. though, i doubt he'll ever read it:

dear Mr. Creekmur,

let's get right to it. you're obviously concerned with the impact that Nicki's image will have on your daughter, but you don't seem very concerned with the general sexism, misogyny, colorism, classism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. that is present in the rap/hip-hop genre and what impact they might have on your daughter. i wonder if you've ever written any letters to some of your "favorite artists" that accompany Nicki on the "Monster" track that you seem to admire. where is your letter to Rick Ross condemning his description of/chuckling at date rape in "U.O.E.N.O."? what about your letters confronting some of your "favorites" in the music industry for their insistence on referring to women as bitches and hoes? how about writing some letters about the violent ways that sex gets talked about, i.e. "beat the pussy up" and "tear your ass in two"? have you written any open letters to Lil Wayne about his glorification of "long haired thick redbone[s]" and his apparent disdain for darker skinned black women, or the way that he and many others seem to desire women with a "black girl booty", but whose bodies otherwise align with white/Euro-centric standards of beauty (naturally or artificially)? yes, girls and women are indeed "under siege" out here. how do you think all of these things will affect your daughter, her self-image, her relationship with her body, her vision of/experience with men, her perspective on sex and relationships later in life? 

if you're wondering why Nicki Minaj poses for photos like this...

or why Rihanna and Beyonce' and others do this...

allow me to enlighten you. it's because the industry asks for it. demands it. it's because women who capitalize on their sexuality usually rise to fame quickly and gain visibility, while women who do not often fade into obscurity despite their talent. this isn't to say that these women don't have agency in choosing these poses. Beyonce’ has created a brand and a business, reaching a level of creative control and economic power that few women have, but it is difficult to ignore that she is in fact “playing the game”, often using her body and her sexuality as a selling point in an industry that is dominated by men. She has just as much selling power with men who fantasize about her as she does with women who adore her. Beyonce’ is undoubtedly one of the best entertainers of our time. She has undeniable musical talent which speaks for itself. She could, in fact, forego the overt sexual nature of her performances and music videos. She could abandon the leotards and high heels and long, flowing blond tresses (her natural light skin and European-like features are certainly something else to be discussed) and she would still be recognized as talented, but in an industry that so highly values sexual appeal, it is unlikely that she would have reached the level of stardom at which she now stands if she had not marketed herself as a sexy goddess. The wonderful thing about feminism is that it grants women (and everyone else) the opportunity to make these kinds of choices. She chooses to use her sex appeal, and that is her right, as it is the right of Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, and all other women.

i'm sure you've noticed that the most popular (and least popular) rappers and hip-hop artists write songs that glorify "the booty". Big Sean blew us away with the artfully crafted "Dance (A$$)" with ingenious lyrics like "i'm wondering if cupid gave you ass shots/ 'cause i'm in love with that ass" and "shake that ass, shake that ass, shake that ass/ shake that ass, shake that ass, shake that ass." 

Jason Derulo let us know how he feels about the booty with his unforgettable masterpiece, "Wiggle", in a collaboration with Snoop (Dogg? Lion?). "i got one question/how do you fit all that into them jeans?/you know what to do with that big fat butt/wiggle, wiggle, wiggle/ wiggle, wiggle, wiggle." 

i know you remember Bubba Sparxxx's "Miss New Booty", in which he and the Ying Yang Twins delivered the timeless refrain, "booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere/booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere/booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere."

back in '89, LL Cool J cited the booty as the reason for his infidelity in "Big Ole' Butt": "Brenda got a big ole butt/i know i told you i'd be true/ but Brenda got a big ole butt/so i'm leaving you." 

but rap and hip-hop artists aren't the only ones:

Spinal Tap "Big Bottom" (1984)

Trace Adkins "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" (2005)

Queen "Fat Bottomed Girls" (1978)

KC & the Sunshine Band "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty" (1976)

Every country song about a booty in "painted on jeans" (since forever)

our culture is obsessed with the booty. we love the booty. it's why nearly every woman on an action movie poster is in that awkward half-turn pose. it's why booty pictures are flooding Instagram every day. it's why all the fitspo Tumblrs preach squat, squat, squat to get a nice, round bottom. it's why Moguldom Studios is releasing the (much needed) docutainment film Bottoms Up investigating our preoccupation with the booty and the lengths to which women will go in order to obtain the coveted apple bottom. 

so, when Nicki Minaj strikes a pose that accentuates and celebrates her "big ole booty", she is supplying what society has demanded from her, but she is also exercising her agency and taking ownership of her body. if you feel that it's necessary to write letters to public figures about the impact that they might have on their (young) audience, then by all means, do that. however, you should also consider a letter writing campaign critiquing the culture that fosters the behavior that you find so distasteful. otherwise, you just come off looking like one more person in a long line of people trying to police (black) women's booties with their sexist/misogynistic/racialized ideas about sexual expression and the politics of respectability, and based on what you "think [they] really desire" to be. 

P.S. feel free to follow me on twitter, i guess.