"not all men"

last week, a lonely guy named Elliot Rodger decided that he would set out to “slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blonde slut” because his life as a 22 year-old virgin was an unbearable existence. following his shooting rampage in which several people lost their lives, journalists and bloggers have used this event to voice their concerns about the culture of violence in the U.S (especially among mass murderers who are almost exclusively young, white males), contributing to already ongoing dialog about mental illness, gun violence, and white privilege, among other things.  

just in case you haven’t read it, here are few disturbing quotes from Rodger’s lengthy manifesto:

“Women should not have the right to choose who to mate and breed with. That decision should be made for them by rational men of intelligence. If women continue to have rights, they will only hinder the advancement of the human race by breeding with degenerate men and creating stupid, degenerate offspring.”

“There is no creature more evil and depraved than the human female. Women are like a plague. They don’t deserve to have any rights. Their wickedness must be contained in order prevent future generations from falling to degeneracy. Women are vicious, evil, barbaric animals, and they need to be treated as such. … All women must be quarantined like the plague they are, so that they can be used in a manner that actually benefits a civilized society.”

“The first strike against women will be to quarantine all of them in concentration camps. At these camps, the vast majority of the female population will be deliberately starved to death. That would be an efficient and fitting way to kill them all off. I would take great pleasure and satisfaction in condemning every single woman on earth to starve to death.”

and yet, people are questioning what fueled Elliot Rodger’s actions after he blatantly displayed his hatred of women and desire to murder us all (though he only seemed to be interested in blonde women). let’s just call it what it is: MISOGYNY. some people seem hesitant to admit that misogyny is evident in Rodger’s actions, or that misogyny is evident EVERY DAY, or that it compromises women’s safety. 

we seem to be far more comfortable with discussions of white privilege, mental illness, and gun violence than we are with identifying the ways in which misogyny hurts women. in fact, we're far more adept at derailing the conversation about women's safety than we are at actually having a conversation about women's safety. this isn't to say that all of those other issues aren't important and legitimate issues that should be discussed, but they should not be used to drown out the discussion about women's safety, misogyny, and male entitlement.

Elliot Rodger is just another face in the crowd of men who feel entitled to women's bodies and use violence to retaliate when they are rejected. unfortunately, these things happen on smaller scales every day. predictably so, in response to women openly discussing misogyny and their every day experiences with it, “not all men” has been the argument from apologists and deniers, as well as those who consider themselves to be allies. dudes, we already know. we know that “not all men” are violent or sexist or misogynist. we know that “not all men” would rape and murder us. we know that “not all men” are bad, but that’s not the point. the fact that your sensibilities might get a little twinge when we talk about misogyny and sexualized/gendered violence is not the point. the point is that SOME MEN are misogynists and SOME MEN perpetuate sexualized/gendered violence against women. and until you have experienced what it is like to be on the receiving end, then you do not get to tell us whether or not our fears and concerns are legitimate. 

until you've been a woman and had lewd comments screamed at you while walking down the street, or you’ve been groped in public without your consent, or aggressively approached and cornered in a parking lot, or harassed online, both in and out of internet dating spaces, or received an unsolicited dick pic from a man you barely know. until you've been threatened, antagonized, and insulted by a man because you exercised your right to reject his sexual advances, or been ostracized and guilt tripped because you didn’t return a man’s romantic interests and resigned him to the imaginary “friend zone”. until you've been sexually assaulted by strangers and told to take it as a compliment. until you've been hassled at a club or  bar and the only thing that gets him to leave you alone is to lie about your imaginary boyfriend. until you’ve experienced all of these things (and more) which make you afraid, uncomfortable, and mortified, YOU DON'T KNOW. you don't know what it's like to be afraid of what might happen if you say "no." and because YOU DON'T KNOW, you do not get to tell us that our fears are not legitimate. you do not get derail the conversation and make it about you, even if it is simply to reassure us that “not all men” do those things. we already know that. just like we already know that white privilege, mental illness, and gun violence are also valid concerns. all of these conversations are important, but granting attention to them should not divert attention from discussions about women’s safety in this world. 

confession: i was sexually assaulted

sexual assault: sexual contact with another person without their consent. forcible, coercive, or otherwise.

i was sexually assaulted repeatedly throughout my middle school and high school years, but it wasn't until adulthood that i was able to identify and accept it as sexual assault. against my will and without my consent, various male students grabbed and slapped my butt, groped my breasts, pulled my bra strap, aggressively commented on my body, inquired about my sexual practices, and blatantly called me a liar when i answered that i was a virgin. i was harassed, objectified, slut shamed, bullied, and ultimately dehumanized. i thought it was normal and i thought that it was my fault. i thought that the body in which i existed warranted that kind of treatment from boys. i was told to take it as a compliment because it meant that they liked me and, you know, boys will be boys.

the first of these incidents is still vivid in my mind. it was during recess in the fourth grade and i was playing on the jungle gym. it was one of my favorite things to do on the playground as i was an avid climber as a child. i loved viewing the world from atop trees and jungle gyms where i felt closer to the stars. on that afternoon, i mounted the jungle gym with the usual excitement in pursuit of that familiar rush. as i pulled myself upward, i felt a hand on my butt, squeezing tightly. in shock and confusion, i lost my footing then tumbled off and onto the ground. when i rose to my feet, i was seething with anger. i felt violated and i demanded to know who had done it. the bystanders pointed to the culprit who seemed unmoved by the scene unfolding before him. without waiting for his confession of guilt (i tended to shoot first and ask questions later as a girl), i lunged at him with the full force of my rage-filled body, kicking and punching. he fought back, slapping me on the side of my face until my ear was burning and i began to feel light headed. after the fight, i gave the teacher an accurate account of why the altercation began, but the boy denied it. i argued my case vehemently, but ultimately, there was no punishment given. we missed out on the rest of recess that day, but he was not appropriately disciplined for his actions. apparently, a boy grabbing a girl's butt on the playground was not an offense that warranted attention because it was just something that boys did to girls. this was all a part of my (mis)education. in that moment, i learned that sexual violence was something that boys do to girls. sexual violence became normalized. boys do it to girls, and by extent, men do it to women. 

as girls, we learn that our bodies do not belong to us, and it is a lesson that we continue to learn as we grow into women. the wide acceptance and normalization of this kind sexual assault contributes to the pervasiveness of rape culture. it took me years to unlearn all of those lessons and i am still unlearning some of them. my body does belong to me and no one has the right to touch, grab, squeeze, caress, or embrace my body without my consent. women's bodies do not exist for the pleasure of men and deserve the ability to move throughout this world free from violation. women's bodies deserve the same respect and autonomy that is afforded to men's bodies. women's bodies are not things to be hidden or ashamed of. women's bodies are not public spaces. women's bodies are wonderful. our bodies belong to us. this is not an indictment of all boys and men. this is an indictment of the misogynistic ideals by which some boys and men (and women) justify their sexualized violence against girls and women, and this is a position which i will continue to defend vehemently, unyieldingly, and unapologetically for as long as i continue draw breath. 

feministing while black

one of my favorite social media friends came to me with a question recently. he wanted to know how i felt about those who consider themselves to be pro-black who say that black women shouldn't be or can't be feminist. i thanked him for his question and attempted to answer it in three points.

1) it is my opinion that being pro-black should not equal being anti-white. being antagonistic against any race, whether or not that race is the "dominant" one, is still racism. i don't condone it in any form. i consider myself to be pro-black, in that i support those who identify as black, and i will forever battle against those who think that blackness is something to be ashamed of. being pro-black shouldn't just be about defying "the white man', it should be about celebrating the (shared, but not monolithic) life and experience of existing in a black body in this world.

2) i've been asked the question about black women and feminism, or versions of this question, a few times before. what i often find is that the people who are usually asking that question have a negative view of feminism and lack comprehension of what feminism is. these people are usually thinking about the beginnings of the feminist movement, which was racist in its inception. the short version is that it was led by white middle class women who only considered the social issues facing white middle class women, while ignoring the fact that oppressions of women of color were very different from their own. modern feminism is different than the first or second waves of the movement, though it has it's pitfalls. its more inclusive and constantly strives to become more and more so. feminism isn't just about women's liberation. we take up systems of power and investigate systemic oppressions that affect all identities defined by race, gender, sexuality, physical ability, species, etc. 

3) now, consider the history of black women and the policing of black women's bodies, sexualities, reproduction, etc., in the U.S. and abroad. and consider that we live in society which values whiteness and maleness above all else. i would say that black women have a relationship to systemic oppression in a way that is different from black men, as we are constantly battling the joined forces of racism and sexism. this is not to say that the marginalization and criminalization of black men is not legitimate; it is simply different. feminism is the only movement (that i know of) which seeks to combat the racism and sexism experienced by women of color without delegitimizing the racism that men of color also experience, and simultaneously fights for others who experience oppression because of their sexuality, weight, gender identity or performance, physical or mental disability, etc. feminism is all about celebrating difference, promoting unconditional self-love, and dismantling oppressions.

i gave this incredibly long explanation to say this: when someone asks me how a black woman can be a feminist, i define feminism for them in the same way that i've just defined it here, and then counter with my own question.

how can a black woman NOT be a feminist?

out of the mouths of babes | other people's kids

i went to pick up jada from kindergarten this afternoon. while in the hallway, a little blonde girl stopped and pointed directly at me, with her arm outstretched, and said to her friend, "look at that girl's hair!" her friend wasn't paying attention, so she slapped the little boy on the shoulder until he turned to look. she pointed and exclaimed again, "look at that girl's hair! it's funny looking!" then she doubled over with laughter and her friend joined in, slapping his knee.

it might not seem like a big deal when kindergartners insult you, but it really is. especially when that insult is racialized. regardless of race or age, we should all be considerate and mindful of the things that we do and the words that we say. the little blonde girl with naturally straight hair didn't hurt my feelings with her racist remarks about my naturally thick, curly hair which defies gravity, but she would have hurt jada's feelings, deeply, if she had done that to her. in my family, we already tell jada that her thick hair and dark brown skin are beautiful and wonderful things to be proud of, but there will always be someone who tries to convince her otherwise.

my point: fear and hatred of blackness (and otherness) begin earlier than we often realize, and we are all responsible for combating this.