confession: i was sexually assaulted

sexual assault: sexual contact with another person without their consent. forcible, coercive, or otherwise.

i was sexually assaulted repeatedly throughout my middle school and high school years, but it wasn't until adulthood that i was able to identify and accept it as sexual assault. against my will and without my consent, various male students grabbed and slapped my butt, groped my breasts, pulled my bra strap, aggressively commented on my body, inquired about my sexual practices, and blatantly called me a liar when i answered that i was a virgin. i was harassed, objectified, slut shamed, bullied, and ultimately dehumanized. i thought it was normal and i thought that it was my fault. i thought that the body in which i existed warranted that kind of treatment from boys. i was told to take it as a compliment because it meant that they liked me and, you know, boys will be boys.

the first of these incidents is still vivid in my mind. it was during recess in the fourth grade and i was playing on the jungle gym. it was one of my favorite things to do on the playground as i was an avid climber as a child. i loved viewing the world from atop trees and jungle gyms where i felt closer to the stars. on that afternoon, i mounted the jungle gym with the usual excitement in pursuit of that familiar rush. as i pulled myself upward, i felt a hand on my butt, squeezing tightly. in shock and confusion, i lost my footing then tumbled off and onto the ground. when i rose to my feet, i was seething with anger. i felt violated and i demanded to know who had done it. the bystanders pointed to the culprit who seemed unmoved by the scene unfolding before him. without waiting for his confession of guilt (i tended to shoot first and ask questions later as a girl), i lunged at him with the full force of my rage-filled body, kicking and punching. he fought back, slapping me on the side of my face until my ear was burning and i began to feel light headed. after the fight, i gave the teacher an accurate account of why the altercation began, but the boy denied it. i argued my case vehemently, but ultimately, there was no punishment given. we missed out on the rest of recess that day, but he was not appropriately disciplined for his actions. apparently, a boy grabbing a girl's butt on the playground was not an offense that warranted attention because it was just something that boys did to girls. this was all a part of my (mis)education. in that moment, i learned that sexual violence was something that boys do to girls. sexual violence became normalized. boys do it to girls, and by extent, men do it to women. 

as girls, we learn that our bodies do not belong to us, and it is a lesson that we continue to learn as we grow into women. the wide acceptance and normalization of this kind sexual assault contributes to the pervasiveness of rape culture. it took me years to unlearn all of those lessons and i am still unlearning some of them. my body does belong to me and no one has the right to touch, grab, squeeze, caress, or embrace my body without my consent. women's bodies do not exist for the pleasure of men and deserve the ability to move throughout this world free from violation. women's bodies deserve the same respect and autonomy that is afforded to men's bodies. women's bodies are not things to be hidden or ashamed of. women's bodies are not public spaces. women's bodies are wonderful. our bodies belong to us. this is not an indictment of all boys and men. this is an indictment of the misogynistic ideals by which some boys and men (and women) justify their sexualized violence against girls and women, and this is a position which i will continue to defend vehemently, unyieldingly, and unapologetically for as long as i continue draw breath.