the struggle: if you're nappy and you know it

this is my natural hair. 

i have some S curls and some waves, but mostly coils. if i were to classify it within the hair-typing system (see below), i would call it 4a. 

i'm often self conscious about my hair. don't misunderstand me. i love my hair. how i feel about it is not the issue; it's how other people feel about it, talk about it, and react to it. it's not that i care what other people think about me. the thing is that other people's reactions say a lot about how we as a society think about black hair. over the past few years, i've mentally cataloged the different types of reactions that i've encountered, from people of all races, ages, and genders.  

disbelief, accusations, and insults

"you got that good hair." this backhanded compliment is offensive, and not just because of the atrocious grammar. to tell me that my hair is "good" because my curls are loose and defined is to say that other black hair is "bad" and should be fixed. ALL HAIR IS GOOD HAIR.

"ooohh, your hair is so thick and curly! what are your mixed with? you must be mixed with something." or "is that a weave? . . . oh, it's not? . . . stop lying!" to insist that the beauty of my hair must be an attribute of any other non-black race or an artificial accessory is to insist that the beauty of blackness and natural black hair is impossible.

"you're cute for a natural girl." this is another backhanded compliment that is brimming with assumptions about black women and natural black hair. this is the same as telling a woman that she is "pretty for a dark skinned girl" or "cute for a big girl". what you're saying is that dark skin, fat bodies, and natural black hair are inherently unattractive and undesirable, and that it is abnormal for you to find someone attractive with these traits. stop telling black women that they are beautiful in spite of these common traits; traits that many people take pride in as defining features of their blackness.

"so, you hate women with permed hair?" no, i don't hate women who relax their hair. nor do i assume that they hate themselves. chemical straightening is a personal choice. it is not my place to judge what women do with their bodies. nor is it yours.

solidarity, curiosity, and comparisons

"yes, honey, black power!" my natural hair is not inherently a political statement. it is simply my hair. to wear it free and untamed is not radical to me, but i understand that it will be viewed as consciously defying societal standards of accepted forms of beauty, "appropriate" forms of appearance, and the politics of respectability and professionalism. that's fine with me. there are moments when i feel especially progressive and transformative, but mostly, i'm just trying to make it through the day with my afro in tact. there is a stereotype that black women with natural hair are more aggressive, more militant, and more masculine (the discussion about racialized masculinity and femininity is for another day) than our counterparts. it's important to remember that fulfilling certain stereotypes does not automatically make you a bad representative of that group. if you want to operationalize your natural hair as a tool to combat traditional beauty standards, then by all means, be militant, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. i support you and your (c)overt activism.

"how does it do that? can i touch it?" *reaches for my hair without waiting for an answer* i understand and welcome curiosity. i think it's healthy. ask me all the questions you want. i'll gladly (attempt to) answer them, but - and i can't believe that i keep having to say this - DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR. it is an invasion of personal space and autonomy when people touch a part of your body without permission. it's dismissive and rude and some consider it to be a form of violence. just don't.

"how do you get your hair to curl like that? i want mine to look like yours." sure, you can come to me with questions if you want advice, but don't expect me to have all the answers and don't expect your hair to behave exactly like mine or that natural hair vlogger on YouTube and Instagram. trust me, we can't get our hair to behave the same way everyday anyway. EVERYONE'S HAIR IS DIFFERENT. that is perhaps the most important lesson that you will learn if you're transitioning or maintaining natural hair. the sooner you learn this lesson, the better your experience will be. have realistic expectations for your hair. and do not think for one second that your kinks, coils, or curls are any less amazing than mine or any one else's, regardless of how tight they are or how much they shrink. don't just learn about natural hair. get to know and love your hair. 

fetishizing, reassurances/assumptions, and desexualizing

"i love natural black women. that sh*t turns me on." or "natural girls f*ck better." oh, you love natural black women? that's cool. i thank you for your compliment, sir or madam, but stop talking about me like they talk about light skinned, big booty women in rap/hip-hop songs. stop fetishizing me. do not make assumptions about me and my sexual abilities/expression based on my appearance. do better. 

"don't let white society tell you that your hair is unattractive. i think your afro is beautiful and sexy. can i have your number?" again, thanks for the compliment, but you should not make assumptions about my self-confidence based on what you think you know about race relations, power dynamics, and body politics and how they relate to me and my afro. and you most certainly should not use my assumed low self-confidence as a social lubricant to pursue a relationship(?) with me. i don't need your reassurances. you are not as slick as you think you are. 

"i'm not attracted to girls with natural hair. i like long hair that i can run my fingers through." this is a special class of black men who go out of their way to tell me that they aren't attracted to me. um, ok then. leave me alone and go talk to someone you are attracted to. more importantly, stop trying to impose your white standards of beauty onto my black body. oh, and just for your information, natural hair can be long, natural hair can be straightened, and we actually do run our fingers through our hair. it's called detangling.

these are just a few of the things that i encounter just trying to exist in the world with natural hair. so, again, i love my hair, but constantly having to maneuver the questions, assumptions, and insults is exhausting and often makes me self-conscious. do not be one of these people. if you have questions, ask them nicely. if you don't like my hair or you aren't attracted to me because of it, keep it to yourself. you know, just be a decent and considerate person. please and thank you.