"not all men"

last week, a lonely guy named Elliot Rodger decided that he would set out to “slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blonde slut” because his life as a 22 year-old virgin was an unbearable existence. following his shooting rampage in which several people lost their lives, journalists and bloggers have used this event to voice their concerns about the culture of violence in the U.S (especially among mass murderers who are almost exclusively young, white males), contributing to already ongoing dialog about mental illness, gun violence, and white privilege, among other things.  

just in case you haven’t read it, here are few disturbing quotes from Rodger’s lengthy manifesto:

“Women should not have the right to choose who to mate and breed with. That decision should be made for them by rational men of intelligence. If women continue to have rights, they will only hinder the advancement of the human race by breeding with degenerate men and creating stupid, degenerate offspring.”

“There is no creature more evil and depraved than the human female. Women are like a plague. They don’t deserve to have any rights. Their wickedness must be contained in order prevent future generations from falling to degeneracy. Women are vicious, evil, barbaric animals, and they need to be treated as such. … All women must be quarantined like the plague they are, so that they can be used in a manner that actually benefits a civilized society.”

“The first strike against women will be to quarantine all of them in concentration camps. At these camps, the vast majority of the female population will be deliberately starved to death. That would be an efficient and fitting way to kill them all off. I would take great pleasure and satisfaction in condemning every single woman on earth to starve to death.”

and yet, people are questioning what fueled Elliot Rodger’s actions after he blatantly displayed his hatred of women and desire to murder us all (though he only seemed to be interested in blonde women). let’s just call it what it is: MISOGYNY. some people seem hesitant to admit that misogyny is evident in Rodger’s actions, or that misogyny is evident EVERY DAY, or that it compromises women’s safety. 

we seem to be far more comfortable with discussions of white privilege, mental illness, and gun violence than we are with identifying the ways in which misogyny hurts women. in fact, we're far more adept at derailing the conversation about women's safety than we are at actually having a conversation about women's safety. this isn't to say that all of those other issues aren't important and legitimate issues that should be discussed, but they should not be used to drown out the discussion about women's safety, misogyny, and male entitlement.

Elliot Rodger is just another face in the crowd of men who feel entitled to women's bodies and use violence to retaliate when they are rejected. unfortunately, these things happen on smaller scales every day. predictably so, in response to women openly discussing misogyny and their every day experiences with it, “not all men” has been the argument from apologists and deniers, as well as those who consider themselves to be allies. dudes, we already know. we know that “not all men” are violent or sexist or misogynist. we know that “not all men” would rape and murder us. we know that “not all men” are bad, but that’s not the point. the fact that your sensibilities might get a little twinge when we talk about misogyny and sexualized/gendered violence is not the point. the point is that SOME MEN are misogynists and SOME MEN perpetuate sexualized/gendered violence against women. and until you have experienced what it is like to be on the receiving end, then you do not get to tell us whether or not our fears and concerns are legitimate. 

until you've been a woman and had lewd comments screamed at you while walking down the street, or you’ve been groped in public without your consent, or aggressively approached and cornered in a parking lot, or harassed online, both in and out of internet dating spaces, or received an unsolicited dick pic from a man you barely know. until you've been threatened, antagonized, and insulted by a man because you exercised your right to reject his sexual advances, or been ostracized and guilt tripped because you didn’t return a man’s romantic interests and resigned him to the imaginary “friend zone”. until you've been sexually assaulted by strangers and told to take it as a compliment. until you've been hassled at a club or  bar and the only thing that gets him to leave you alone is to lie about your imaginary boyfriend. until you’ve experienced all of these things (and more) which make you afraid, uncomfortable, and mortified, YOU DON'T KNOW. you don't know what it's like to be afraid of what might happen if you say "no." and because YOU DON'T KNOW, you do not get to tell us that our fears are not legitimate. you do not get derail the conversation and make it about you, even if it is simply to reassure us that “not all men” do those things. we already know that. just like we already know that white privilege, mental illness, and gun violence are also valid concerns. all of these conversations are important, but granting attention to them should not divert attention from discussions about women’s safety in this world.